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STATE of BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHAROM
Last name:
(_)Yadav
(_)Sinha
(_)Pandey
(_)Mishra
(_)do not know
Phust name:
(_) Ramprasad
(_) Lakhan
(_) Sivaprasad
(_) Jamnaprasad
(_) Dont know
(Check appropriate box)
Age:
(_) Less than zero
(_) Zero
(_) Greater than zero
(_) Don't know
Sex:
__ M _____ F _____ not sure _____not applicable
Chappal Size:
____ Left ____ Right
Occupassan :
(_) Politician
(_) Doodhwala
(_) Pehelwaan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
Bhife Name: __________________________
Relationship with Bhife :
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Phather's Name: _______________________
Heducasson : 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
___ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________, 194_
Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_) No; If no,please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) Champak
(_) Indrajal
(_) Star and style
(_) The great Bihar Dairy
(_) Blank sheets
_____ Number of times you've SHOT a UFO
___ Number of times you've SHOT another person exactly like you
___ Number of times you've SHOT yourself.(SHOOTING YOURSELF IN MIRROR IS POOR SHOOTING)
Do you bathe?
(_) Yes
(_) No
(_) Not applicable
If yes, how often do you bathe?
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Yearly
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) Others - Give exact color (call nearestAsian Paints dealer if U dont know the color of your teeth)
(_) Not applicable
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
Your thumb impresson
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.PLEASE DO NOT USE FINGERS OF YOUR LEGS. Use thumb on your left hand only. If you dont have left hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand,use thumb on left hand.NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
For instructions to fill this applikason pharom, see beginning of applikason phorom. Ishmile and have a Nice Day every day !
One Punjabi is a 100 kg hulk named Pinky. Two Punjabis is a Pinky with his brother Twinky. Three Punjabis is an assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds. Four Punjabis is a combined IQ equal to one.
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav. Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad. Three Biharis is caste killing. Four Biharis is the entire literate population of Patna.
One Mallu is a coconut stall. Two Mallus is a boat race. Three Mallus is a Gulf job racket. Four Mallus is an oil slick.
One UP bhaiyya is a milkman. Two UP bhaiyyas is a halwai shop. Three UP bhaiyyas is a fist-fight in the UP assembly. Four UP bhaiyyas is a mosque-destruction squad!!
One Gujju is a share-broker in a Bombay train. Two Gujjus is a rummy game in a Bombay train. Three Gujjus is Bombay's noisiest restaurant. Four Gujjus is a stock market scam.
One Andhraite is a chilli farmer. Two Andhraites is a software company in New Jersey. Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit. Four Andhraites is a song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
One Kashmiri is a carpet salesman. Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory. Three Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit. Four Kashmiris is a shoot-at-sight order.
One Tam-Brahm is a priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple. Two Tam-Brahms is a maths tuition class. Three Tam-Brahms is a queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m. Four Tam-Brahms is a Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.
One Bombayite is a footpath vada-pav stall. Two Bombayites is a film studio. Three Bombayites is a slum. Four Bombayites is the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.
One Sindhi is a currency racket. Two Sindhis is a papad factory. Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar. Four Sindhis is the Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
One Marwari is the neighbourhood adulterer. Two Marwaris own 50% of Calcutta. Three Marwaris can finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis. Four Marwaris will threaten the Jews as a community.
CLASSICAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. BBC, CNN, NDTV show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper.
Opposition MP's stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by BBC, CNN and NDTV.
Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
MS-DOS Airline
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.
Mac Airline
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 Airline
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.
Windows 95 Airline
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, and easy access to the plane. After the plane arrives, 6 months late, you have a completely uneventful takeoff... then, once in the air the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Airline
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Airline
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.All passengers believe they got there.
Mach Airline
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.
Newton Airline
After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 46 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.
VMS Airline
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
Linux Airline
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
Intelligent New Generation...!
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose."
"The parts of speech are lungs and air."
"The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
"A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population."
"A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot."
"The general direction of the Alps is straight up."
"A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator."
"Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums."
"The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."
"We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk."
"One of the main causes of dust is janitors."
"A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities."
"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar."
"The climate is hottest next to the Creator."
"Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings."
"The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom."
"In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon."
"Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
"In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah."
"One by-product of raising cattle is calves."
"Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
Its a small story about newton,mithunda and our very own rajnicant. Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a movie. He watched a few Indian movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logics and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologised for everything he had done.
In the movie of Mithun chakravarthy Newton dada was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
1) Mithunda has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, Our great Mithunda is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live Mithunda
2) In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2 gangsters. Mithunda has a Gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he does.......He holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces an d kills both the gangsters. Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue.
"Apun ka naam hai HIRA, Apun ne sabko Chiraa".
3) Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolvver but he got no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as he gangster shoots, Mithunda opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bulletc ompartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies....
4) The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the remote is in the hands of the villain about 100 km away. As usual, the villain confronts the hero saying "Hathiyar phek do warna main yeh remote ka button dabake tumharimehbooba ko mar doonga". The usual fight occurs and just as the hero makes the final blow, the villain dies but not before he presses than damn button. Now what to do?
Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on it. Now there is a race: The current in the cable connected to the electric chair is moving fast but our hero and his horse are desparately trying tocatch up.... goes on for a few km and just as the current would hit the chair, the hero jumps from the horse and picks the girl away from the chain and husssshhhh. She is saved. The poor electric current only goes to an empty chair. Climax, taaalian. Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!
This was too much for our Newton to take and he went completely out of his mind and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a Rajnikanth movie for one last time and thought that atleast one movie will follow his theory of physics.
The whole movies goes fine and newton is happy that all in the world hasnt changed. Oops not so fast. The climax finally arrives.Rajni gets to know that the villian is on the the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajni can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajni has to desparalety kill the villian because its the climax Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible).. Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket(Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall ,he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villianis dead.
Newton faints
Kyon chalti hai pawan
because of evoporation
kyon jhoome hai gagan
because of earth's revolution
kyon machalta hai mann
because of eccessive respiration
na tum janno na hum
but i just gave all the answers
kyon aati hai bahar
because of change in season
kyon lutata hai kaarar
becuase of mental tension
kyon hota hai pyaar
because of fatal attraction
na tum janno na hum
like i said these are all science phenomena
kyon gum hai har disha
because u have lost the sense of direction
kyon hota hai nasha
because of drug addiction
kyon aata hai maaza
but science gives all the information
a student of science couldn't have been hritik
for then he would never asked
such silly questions.
By definition, a fable must have a moral. This one has three:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond". kudos to GULTS ! ( PS-no offence intended!).
TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, may vary from 40-200kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical properties:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
Chemical properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man
Common uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Although several specimen can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
WARNING: PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVER PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE
Kar diya izhare-ishq hamne mobile par,
laakh rupaye ki bat thi,
do rupaye main ho gayee (wah wah)
Maine tujhe dekha
Dekhta raha,
Dekhta hi gaya........
Phir mujhe chashma lag gaya
Aur bhi cheezain bahut see lut chuki hain dil ke saath
Ye bataya dooston ne ishq furmane ke baad;
Is liye kamre ki ek ek cheez "check" karta hoon main
"Ek tere aane se pehle, ek tere jaane ke baad"
KAASH TERE CHEHRE PE CHICKENPOX KE DAAG HOTE
CHAND TO TUM HO HI
SITARE BHI SAATH HOTE
Jise samjha Leher Pepsi
Woh nikla Jeher Pepsi
Jise samjha Coca Cola
Woh nikla Dhoka Cola
Ab piyo Wine and Whisky
Life hoga No More Risky
Khidki khuli zulfein bikhri
Dilne kaha dildar nikla
Par hai re meri footi kismat
Nahaya hua sardar nikla
Kehte hain ki ISHQ main neend ud jaati hai
Koi humse bhi ishq kare
Khambhaqat neend bahut aati hai
Aansu ko ankhon ki Dehliz pe laya na karo.
Apne dil ki halat Kisiko bataya na karo.
Log mutthi bhar namak liye Ghoom rahe hain
Apne zakhm kisiko Dikhaya na karo.
Log ishq karte hain,
Bade shor ke saath.
Humne bhi kiya,
Bade zor ke saath.
Magar ab karenge,
Thoda gaur ke saath.
Kyonki kal usko dekha,
Kisi aur ke saath.
Pyaar ke jaam ko aise na piyo ke
Adha piya aur adha chod diya
Yaron yeh pyaar hai pyaar
Nahin koi Vim Bar
Jo thodasa lagaya aur bas hogaya.......!!
Idhar kuda hai, udar khuda hai,
jidar dekho udar khuda hai,
idhar-udhar bus khuda hi khuda hai
jidhar nahi khuda hai....udhar kal khudega!
Tumsa koi dusara jameen par hua
to rab se sikayat hogi,
Ek to jehlla nahi jata
dusra aa gaya to kya halat hogi!!!
Durakht ke paymane pe chilman E husn ka furkat se
sharmana...
Durakht ke paymane pe chilman E husn ka furkat se sharmana...
Ye line samajh me aaye to mujhe zaroor batana!!
tere dar pe sanam hazar baar aayenge,
tere dar pe sanam hazar baar aayenge,
ghanti bajayenge aur bhaag jayenge !!
Jis waqt khuda ne tumhe banaya hoga,
ek saroor sa uske dil pe chaya hoga
pehle socha hoga tujhe jannat mein rakh lun..
phir usse zoo ka khayal aaya hoga!!!
Kyon apni kabar khud-hi khod raha hai Galib...
Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib...
La, phawda mujhe de!!
Jab Jab gire Baadal, Teri Yaad aayi
Jhoom ke barsa Saawan, Teri Yaad aayi
Bheega main,lekin phir bhi teri Yaad aayi
Kambkhat tune chatri jo ab tak nahi lautai..
Aaj didar, kal yaar, parso pyar, phir ekrar, aur phir-intzar, phir-takrar, phir-darar, saari mehnat-bekar, aur akhir mein-Ek aur devdas at beer bar !
When I C the moon I C U
When I C the stars I C U
When I C the Sea I C U
Get out of the way you are blocking my view!
Call centre jobs: wonder if thats all it takes?
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"
Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Le me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
This is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(OPERATOR)
(CALLER)
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
Needless to say this helpdesk employee was fired. However he is currently planning to sue the company for 'termination without cause'.
ACURA - Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AUDI - Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW - Bought My Wife / Brings Me Women / Broke My Wallet
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere / Dead On the Day Guarantee Expires
FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD - Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM - Garbage Motors / Gluteus Maximus
HONDA - Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MOPAR - Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly / Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Asembled Ridiculously
SUBARU - Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE - Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
Infy method:
hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat ..he will die eventually of frustration...
TCS method:
hire a lion, give him a hell lot of work and pay him government salary, lion dies of hunger and frustration
MBT method:
hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job. lion dies of the strain...
COSL Method:
hire a lion ..tell him to merge with Goats (polaris) and reduce his allowance...lion dies from fear that tommorrow he might
become a goat.....
Polaris Method :
hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ...change his timings...(instead of 9 AM...change it to 8:30 AM) ...cut down his
allowance (coupons etc) lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....
Silverline Method:
hire a lion, declare a scandal and dont pay him... he dies of hunger...
IBM's metbod:
hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hr ... he dies of unemployment...
Quinnox method:
hire the lion. either give him no work or ask for a premature delivery.Lion either dies of boredom or intense physical &
mental activity...
Patni method:
hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...the lion dies before joining....
Nucsoft method:
hire a lion,give him job of grass eating (IBBS Support)..the lion dies from lack of eating meat...
Satyam method:
hire a lion ,give him net access..no work..and deport him to North centre...no water..no electricity..no English speaking
ppl...lion dies in oblivion......
Wipro method:
hire a lion...give him lots of work...transfer him to Wipro Lights division..lion dies due to Lightness...
Mastek method:
hire a lion...ask him to align himself with anything and everything...ask him to fill complicated competency forms...differ
increments and pay him salary of a cat... lion dies due to fear of getting mis-aligned or starvation...
Digital Method
hire a lion...showing him nice cage and more stronger lions...assure him overseas assignments and ask him to do internal
projects .. not even paying the salary of a cat..The lion dies doing internal sickness.
Datamatics Method.
hire a lion..whisk off all his belongings like passport and certificates and make him starve for his belongings. No question
of salary .. only stipends. lion dies not knowing what has effected him.
PWC Method
hire a lion depot him to godforsaken sites ... makes him the project manager .. gives him the responsibility of payment
collection also the lion dies collecting and collecting
L&T Infotech Method.
hire a lion, depute him to group companies, make him sit in nasty positions in a small cage full of "spinal - breaking"
chairs and "leg-breaking" tables, obviously the lion will crawl away seeking better chair.
BHEL
hire a lion and make him to sit simply and stare at a dumb thin client. It commits suicide.
A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous
projectiles.
NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid
minim.
NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with
resplendence are not truly auriferous.
NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants
must be interdicted.
NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of
rendering any testimony
NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.
NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate
accumulates no congeries of small, green,
biophytic plant.
NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of
identical plumage tend to congregate.
NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely
cutaneous profundity.
NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime
is contiguous to rectitude.
NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt
milk
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose
of precipitately departed lactile fluid.
NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog
new tricks
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to
indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
innovative maneuvers.
NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede
saltation.
NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate
cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal
cachinnation.
NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a
dull boy.
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous
chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion
renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.
NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours
having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous
materials, there is conflagration.
New pakistani education system : Indians beware!
Latest update on Pakistan's education system. INDIANS beware. Indian intellectuals will be facing a tough competition wherever they go from now onwards, thanks to the new education system introduced in Pakistan (which is carefully planned following the footsteps of INDIA). The following are some of the reputed institutes, the courses offered by them and their Entrance tests:
IIT: Islamic Institute of Terrorism (through JEE: Jehadi Entrance Exam - coaching for JEE will be offered only in Kashmir and not in any Ramaiah, Bansal or Krishnamurthy.)
IIM: International Infiltration Management (through CAT:Careers in Al-Quaeda & Taliban - guarenteed foreign placement)
IAS: Iraq After Saddam (This is a research course established with the Aid of CNN-America and not many placement opportunities)
M.M.Tech.: Masters in Militancy Techniques (through GATE: Graduate Aptitude Test in EXTREMISM - This is a post-graduate course equivalent to Indian M.Tech. only for the Engineers graduated from IITs)
M.S: Musharraf's Security (highly competitive and equally paid service through GRE: Grooming the Rising Extremists and TOEFL: Test Of Efficiency In Fighting and Looting)
Interested candidates can obtain further details and prospectus free from the following addresses:
The Head, ISI, Karachi.
The Head, LeT, Lahore.
The Head, JeM, Peshawar.
The Headless Head (alias Musharraf) Military Ruler Of Pakistan,
Islamabad
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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